The Tahani List

At the start of Sheltering-in-place, self isolating, call it what you will, my daughter and I were (and still are) holed up in the house not socializing with anyone except her father (my ex), and his new family plus anyone they come in contact with. At the start of all of this in March, back when I had more energy than I do now, I hit on the idea of creating a Tahani List. This was inspired by the character of Tahani Al Jamil in the show The Good Place. SPOILER AHEAD- but not a major one. In the series finale, Tahani has finally put her focus on learning new things and has created a massive list of things to do. The list is outrageous and impossible but not if you have infinity to master whatever you want to master. A small frustration is that we don't see her attempting or learning the tasks - just her crossing them off and a fun cameo by an actor from the Michael Schur universe.

The important thing, and what inspired me was not so much the tasks themselves but the mindset with which she approached the task  - with enthusiasm, a beginner’s mindset, and patience. They are a mix of grandiose and humble. It’s worth freezing the video frame to see what makes it on the list. Free solo the Colossus of Rhodes is a good one, after I looked it up. Although the one I most personally relate to is Finish Infinite Jest (by David Foster Wallace).

Ideally what would go on my list would be things I’ve been wanting to do for some time and tasks that I’ve been avoiding because they seemed too boring or difficult or both (like Infinite Jest). By putting a task on the Tahani list, I was telling myself above all, be patient. Be kind to yourself. I am an impatient person and I enter the world of frustration when jumping into an unfamiliar task too quickly, encountering problems, and then giving up.

One of the first tasks was making face masks, now that we are required to wear them and have been told not to use masks that healthcare workers need. Other activities that made it on the list include self-publishing my poetry, baking bread and making creme brulee, learning to use my microphone and sound editing software. The list was more ambitious at the beginning of our sheltering. When I started the list, I did not imagine how sheltering for so long would alter my focus (shorten) and motivation (plummet).

There will be many frustrations, small failures - the eggs will congeal in the creme brulee, the sewing machine will jam, and how do you load a bobbin anyway. Shutting down the critical voice is crucial - mine is quite loud and chatty. Watching instructional YouTube videos for the thing you are trying to do (and there is a YouTube video for anything) is very helpful. So is breaking the task into many baby tasks and telling yourself “progress not perfection”. 

I thought making face masks would be a breeze. I had inherited four sewing machines.  None worked so I went to Facebook and asked if anyone had a spare sewing machine. Two people said yes. And I took them both because, you know, the four broken sewing machines already. These things break. Then I needed to learn to use them and remembered that I don’t know how to sew. There was a video for that and a lot of patience, tea, background Django Reinhart music to put me in a lighter mood, more patience, some poorly made masks, more tea, and finally some decent ones. I monkeyed with the pattern to get a better fit. It would have been easier and cheaper to buy them especially after one of the borrowed ones jammed and I had to send it to a handyman to fix it. I kept sewing and then giving some away as a thank you to the universe.

Over the weeks it has become harder to embrace the learning of new skills. The layoff of my freelance job struck at the my fear center. Energy is now diverted away from my prefrontal cortex to the amygdala -  the center of the fight or flight response as it is called so often that we forget the other response, freeze. That is what I have done. Freeze, as I try to navigate the unemployment system not designated for my type of work. Freeze, as I try to find out what the virus protocols and recommendations are from various official agencies. Freeze, as the weather turns nice and I want to go out but the information changes daily. It is exhausting just trying to keep up with what I need to do to keep myself and daughter safe. 

In a serendipitous turn, Jameela Jamil, who played Tahani, was the feature of a virtual meeting hosted by the New York Times on May 20th. The subject was self-care during this pandemic. Jameela is the creator of I Weigh (an activist community focusing on diverse voices and marginalized groups) and also an advocate for mental health. Given this as well as her other activist endeavors and accomplishments, I should call this the “Jameela List”. It was encouraging and comforting to be reminded that we don't have to be the productive powerhouses our Calvinistic-base culture tells us we need to be. We just need to get through this liminal time. If we manage to bake bread as well, that's just icing on the cake.